So much has happened in the last 5 months, one not being weight loss :(
I am 100% that my discouragement has kept me from writing but I don't intend to let either happen again!!!
Let's start back before my last post: (going to present as a timeline)
August 16 - Excited as my impending nuptials were only 2 days away and I was scheduled off work the following day I was laid off at approximately 11:30AM. My position was eliminated and I was offered a small severance package and given time to collect my belongings. I actually felt a huge relief as I left the building, I hadn't been truly happy in my position & didn't feel stable by any means BUT in retrospect, I certainly liked having a steady pay check.
August 18 - I married the love of my life surrounded by the most important people in our lives, minus Mom.
September 23 - my last entry.
October - December 2012 - I enjoyed many amazing holidays with all of my loved ones, frustrated at the meals because they're all sooooo good and I can eat maybe the same amount as a child but still thankful that I haven't gained any weight.
FFWD: January 14, 2012 - This morning I woke up and had a slim fast shake!!! I have joined several support groups for the Vertical Sleeve Surgery that I had and gotten amazing advice and found that my loss, although slow for months now is still so amazing. I have to keep reminding myself that it took 37 years to get here and it's not going to just fall off overnight. My WLS (weight loss surgery) was not one like bypass or even the lap band, I don't get severely sick when I alter my diet, etc., the sleeve truly is a lifestyle change and tool not just an overnight answer.
I'm just kinda at the place where I can either regret the surgery (only happens when I'm full and amazing food is right in front of me and want sooo much more) or I can once again remember all the reasons I chose to have the surgery in the first place -- to lead an active and HEALTHY life, for me and only ME!!!!
While I'm still not comfortable posting my weight before and since surgery, I'm sure one day I'll feel extremely confident at how far I've come and release that information (I'm certain many have their assumptions anyway). I will hit my Yearsurgiversary on Jan. 23rd and hopefully I'll be at a strong 80lb loss if not more. For the last 6 months I waiver 75-80 but no real weight gain which is great. I'm down about 2 pants sizes and 3 shirt sizes and probably even more if I felt comfortable in closer fitting clothes (I always wore/wear bigger to "hide" even though I know it doesn't).
Still being unemployed is probably my biggest downfall, I have so much time on my hands and having a husband with an insanely fast metabolism, we do have things in the house that I shouldn't graze for but am fine admitting I do. I am trying to get myself to a very stable regiment and stick to it, including a very large jump in protein, water and exercise daily!!
Life doesn't always hand us the happiest or most capable opportunities. Sometimes I still question faith, G-d, etc. I don't understand why I wasn't born with the insides of so many girls, why can't I be one that can eat anything and everything and maintain the perfect body for them, why was my Mother taken from me at such a young age, why will my nephews never know her,etc. I don't think that I'm meant to have the answers to these questions but they burn within me all day every day.
All I do know is that MY LIFE, MY DECISIONS, MY WEIGHT, MY HAPPINESS; it's all only dependent on ME!!! I know that Paul loves me whether or not I lose another ounce but I also know that not loving myself will never afford me the happiness I deserve. I know that we all struggle and have these "ah ha moments" and I'm confident I'll falter many more times but I'm making a promise to myself to TRY, it's all I can do and I'm the ONLY ONE who can do it!!!
Thank you for allowing me to "put out there" what I write and I hope to get back to doing it much more often as it is so therapeutic.
Once again, here's to a better, not new, but happy ME!!!
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