Strength

It’s been quite some time since I’ve updated my blog; I think I’ve had writer’s block. Unfortunately, along with the writer’s block, I’ve had a bit of a weight loss block as well. It’s totally common to have plateaus throughout the weight loss process but I’m very disappointed to be experiencing it with only 47 days to my wedding. I guess considering that I’ve lost 63lbs. in 5 months I shouldn’t be such a cry baby, I know inside that I’m on the right path just need to change a few new habits. #1 – carbs!!! They seem to be the easiest to eat but are starting to make me not feel as well and I think it’s slowing down my losing process, so I’m trying to take in less. We have put ourselves (Paul & I) on some strict budgeting with the upcoming wedding finances so carbs seem to be a lot cheaper too! I know it’s all up to me though, surgery helps but I’m not going to lose 100+ lbs. not helping it along.

My back seems to be pretty under control (god I hope I didn’t just jinx myself) since the epidural on May 11th. I still and always will have chronic back pain because the discs are degenerative but the spasms seem to be under control so my mobility is much better!!!

I have gone through such a myriad of emotions since May that I think I’ve more or less been in a depression that has made me just not try as much. Mother’s Day started it and then the summer months which include the entire families’ birthdays, all of which are the first without my Mom. I love my nephews more than life itself but it hurts me so much to see them growing and her not being at all of these special occasions. I know, I know, “she’s there in spirit”, I have to admit sometimes I just want to say – “F” that, it’s not enough, it’s not fair, and spirit or not the fact is she’s not here!!! Planning a wedding, even a small one is so unimaginable without her! Sometimes I’ll just be walking or sitting somewhere & bam – it just hits, your Mom is gone! The idea that I still can’t pick up the phone or go see her shocks me everyday and it’s been 8 months already. I now fully understand how my Mom felt when my Bubbie passed away, how hard it was for her even 10 years later! Yes, I try with all my might not to dwell, not to think about it but when your Mom is your best friend and such a major part of your daily life, how can you just tune it out – how heartless!!! I know she’s with me, I know in my heart she’s in a better place, etc., but it’s still BS & not fair!!!!

Here’s the hardest part and probably a lot of why I can’t write, I have horrible dreams about her. I’m so jealous when my sister says she dreamt of Mom and she was so happy, beautiful and full of life because she’s not like that in mine. I don’t have to be a shrink to know that it’s an internal battle of my own anger. Mom is in many of dreams, almost nightly but she’s so mean in all of them. We fight all the time and nothing is ever resolved (except me waking exhausted and feeling horribly depressed). For all those reading and worrying, I’ve been on medication for depression & anxiety for years so no worries about rushing to see a Doc.! I know that I’m angry that she died at only 58, I’m angry that I don’t think I was patient with her the last few months and that I’m positive our last phone call wasn’t a great one, although ended in I love you. I know that Mom knows how I felt even when I did lose my patience, when I leaned more on Paul than her those last few months, etc., but I’m angry, hell I’m PISSED OFF, not at her but at myself a bit and at God, her Dr.’s, etc. Logically, spiritually, I believe that when it’s your time it’s your time but IT WASN’T MY TIME FOR IT TO BE HER TIME, if that makes sense. She was too young, too loved and now way too missed. I know that my feelings and emotions are normal, but I do believe the last few months they’ve finally hit and are holding me back in certain aspects, like the weight loss and I know its ok. It took me 37 (on Sat.) years to get to this point so I can’t expect it to all shed over night but I am hoping that with some more pounds shed I will gain more strength, life strength, anger strength, time strength and strength for understanding.