Submitted...

I have found it extremely hard to form my thoughts these last weeks let alone enough to write. The loss of my Mom still shocks and numbs every part of me, I don't know exactly when the reality of her death will set in. My biggest fear is that it is all going to come slamming down on me as I recover from surgery, when that will be is still unknown.

The surgeon's office submitted everything to the insurance company and I have an official case # which means starting tomorrow I will begin calling and "bugging the crap" out of whomever until I get approval. The downside, at this point the Dr. isn't doing surgery the last week of December and I don't see how it's possible to get approval, do the 2 week pre-op diet, and take the time off of work to have it the 19th. I had already planned the last week of December so if it was even possible I'd end up taking some days without pay and I'm really not in a position to do that.

If I can't have surgery until January I'm going to have to come up with the insurance deductible and that's going to be the hard part. I feel like it's all my fault though because if I just would have "seen the light" sooner I would have finished my 6 month diet monitoring earlier, but then again, my "seeing the light" was truly after having seen the results of others having the surgery so, everything happens for a reason.

By placing my first call to the insurance tomorrow and asking for the case manager, I'm hoping the fact that I work for the insurance company might help push me to the top of the pile. The sooner the approval, the sooner we'll get a date and get going on the steps to a newer lifestyle. Either way, I'm having the surgery!!!!!

I know I have many angels guiding me and rooting for me a long with soooo many surrounding me with support and constant love so with all of that, I can do anything!!

I still don't feel that I'm able to compose my words the way I used to, the amazing ability/talent I gained from my Mom but I hope in time it will come back to me. For now, I will continue pushing forward and taking new steps in life towards surgery, steps without my Mom, towards marriage, new adventures, etc. I don't know at this point how each will affect me without her but I think her guidance will make it easier.

I'd like to ask that if you're reading this you say a little prayer that if it's God's will that I have surgery before 2012 that he help it happen, maybe cross your fingers when they aren't occupied by other things, take a moment and ask my Mom to guide me with love & strength, and for what's meant to be my journey to start with the one step.