Another step down, 1 more to go!!!!

I had my 2nd to last dietitian/nutrition class yesterday. I'd love to say I learned tons of new things but in all honesty I don't think she realizes that she tells/teaches us the exact same things every month lol. I feel quite certain that I know how much protein, vitamins, liquids, etc. I'll need to consume post-op!!! My last appointment is going to be just one-on-one with the dietitian on 12/1 at 9AM and then she will submit everything to the Dr. and they'll in turn submit it to my insurance, at that point I will hope, pray, throw pennies in puddles of water, and bug the "expletive" out of the insurance until they approve my surgery!! I am really hoping for a surgery date of 12/26/2011 but it's all up to insurance (not sure I like my dreams in their hands but I have no choice). If for some reason they drag their feet and take the full 30 days allowed for approval I will still have surgery as soon as a date can be set, finances will be the only issue at that point but I won't let it deter me.

I've been asked many times if I am truly ready for this, if I can handle another change so soon after losing Mom. I can't make promises that mentally I'm not going to falter a bit and freak out at times, especially the day of surgery and the first several weeks after. We had it all planned out that Paul & I would stay at Mom & Dad's a few days after surgery so that he could work and go about his normal routine and Mom would always be there to help take care of me. I've had offers from several others to step into this roll and I've got in mind who I will probably ask but nobody will ever be the right substitute for my Mom.

In the almost 3 weeks since her death, I'm not sure where I'm at in life, emotionally, mentally, even physically at times. It's literally like a roller coaster and if you know me at all you know I get sick in a car so roller coasters are not something I can handle! There's been such life shattering sadness, there's been happiness & great love (engagement), there's been laughter and crying, and most of all a lot of anger, shock and numbness! I can't cry when I want to and then burst out uncontrollably at the craziest times. I can't remember day-to-day, and the week's just feel like a horrible fog. I know that I'm just going through the routine, I'm doing what I need to for survival but I'm certainly not doing what I want to because I want my Mom!

Do I think I can handle losing her, engagement, holidays, surgery, etc. within a 2-3 month span?!?!?! I have no idea honestly! After losing my Mom I'm quite certain I can't handle anything but I know I HAVE TO! I know that I don't want to do anything other than what I have no choice to do like go to work but I'm trying to. My friends are amazing when I cancel plans and I'm so grateful because there are just days that other than work I can't do it. I have this constant "homesick" feeling and that's the best I know to describe it. Mom & Dad's house isn't really "home" because it's not where we grew up but it's where she ALWAYS was and she was home!!! My apartment has seen it's ups & downs and it's home because I've created it to be but I can't get myself to even load the dishwasher, I fear Paul thinks the worst of me because I just could care less these days about the mess. I know this is all normal but I don't want my emotions affecting his life. Paul has been amazing, I honestly don't know what I would have done w/o him, probably be living with one of my siblings. He lets me go through such a whirlwind of emotions and encourages me to feel it all.

Like my steps toward surgery, every day of life in these last weeks have become steps to survival, to learning, to understanding and most of all missing! I don't know what the future holds for me and I can't say I feel at ease about any of it, that was Mom's job, she always knew (just from my voice) what I was feeling and she always assured me, lifted me up, etc. when needed. I have to learn to take the steps of life without her by my side (at least physically), not sure it's possible and 100% sure I won't like it but stopping, falling behind, not taking steps forward for surgery and life...Mom wouldn't have stood for it!!!!! I want this surgery even more than ever and still 100% for myself and only myself BUT, one of the last things Mom said to me was, "thank you for saving my daughter's life," give me a few months Mom and I'm going to say out loud, "you're welcome!!!"