As many of you already know from reading Facebook, I have an official date for surgery, January 23, 2012!!! I won't know the time until the Friday right before but I have all of the information to start the pre-op diet on Jan. 9th and start preparing for the post-op diet as well. Paul went with me to the consult and met the surgeon, being that I had already met with him he didn't have to go over much except the importance of the liquid diet for the 3 weeks following surgery -- if I can't strain it I can't have it -- oh joy! I need to call the hospital and go in for all other pre-surgery labs, paperwork etc. and I'm scheduled to have an EGD on Jan. 9th but it might be changed to just an upper GI this week.
I experienced a bit of nerves reading through the paperwork about potential pain, recovery, etc. but I am so ready and know nothing good comes easy.
I've had many ask if they can help during or after, if I want them at the hospital, etc., I honestly don't know what to say to anyone because the only person I want there can't be. I've never experienced anything major in my lifetime without my Mom by my side and I am terrified that during recovery is going to be when I fully feel the pain of her absence. I have asked Dad to be there in her absence and obviously whomever else would like to be there but mostly I'll be sleeping or in pain so it won't be my finest hours. I hope to only spend 1 night in the hospital and then come home where I can be much more comfortable. I have requested off for 2 full work weeks which would give me a good 12-13 days to recover.
Setting the date was the fun part of the holidays so far. Although Christmas was much easier for the family (in my opinion) than Thanksgiving seemed to be there is still a horrible feeling of Mom's absence that I know will be there all the days of our lives. The boys had fun and opened presents so it's hard not to be happy seeing there faces light up.
Before going to Dad's to be with the family Paul and I went to the cemetery, I decided the day before that it was a good time to go. I drove and we first stopped at my Bubbie's to say hello and leave some pennies (most Jews leave rocks as a sign of their presence but Mom started pennies as a sign from heaven "Pennies from Heaven"). We drove on to the area where Mom is buried and Paul waited while I spent about 10-15 minutes alone with her. This was my first time there since the burial and seeing just a name plate with her birth and death dates under her name took my breath away at first as well as seeing 1/2 mud and 1/2 grass having grown over her grave. I stood there crying and talking out loud to her. I told her how much we all missed and loved her, how unfair it was that she was not with us, I even told her I was mad at her, mad at God and anyone else that had a hand in taking my Mom away at 58. I told her about surgery and that I didn't know how I'd get through it without her but that I wouldn't stop until I reached my goal and how I knew that would make her so proud. I laid pennies on her name plate as well. Paul joined me and through tears and broken speech he told her how much he missed her too and what an amazing woman and beautiful human she was. He told her how sad he was that she wasn't here when he proposed and wouldn't be when we get married but pledged to her that he'd take care of me all the days of our lives, he also told her that he'd have been honored to call her Mom. I know in my heart that down in that grave is only a body and not her, her soul is in a higher and gorgeous place and it's scattered within all of us as well. I don't know that I'll visit very often because I've never believed that my family members that are gone are actually there. We hugged and cried and both told her how much we loved her and then we left. We went over to my Memar & Papa next and "knocked on the door" as Memar would have said. I introduced Paul to them and he told them how nice it would have been to meet them.
As odd as it may sound, I left the cemetery in tears but with a little bit stronger feeling of peace. It's never been easy to go there to see my grandparents but none of their passing were unexpected, Mom's is still earth shattering and I have such a hard time grasping the idea that she's not just out of town but dead. I asked her for guidance and strength as I move through the days of my life, strength during surgery and patience for myself and others, I prayed that she'd show me to live without fear. I know that I have so many loved ones watching over me and it makes each day a little easier.
I probably won't blog again until around the time I start the pre-op diet and begin the countdown...stay tuned!!!
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