Reflection...

I had originally thought I wouldn't blog again until I start my 2 week pre-op diet but there's so much running rampant through my mind that I felt this was the best way to "vent"!

When I look back on 2011 I experience a myriad of emotions (forgive me if I repeat some that others have blogged about):

*I rang in 2011 with my Mom, Dad and best friend Jen, they were the perfect people to put a smile on my face and help the New Year start off on the right foot.

*I had started a new job 1 month before 2011 but found it to be stable, close to home and challenging enough that I was learning and staying busy, also meeting some great new friends.

*I experienced the loss of some friendships, some that I'd had for 15+ years but people do change and grow apart and somethings just aren't possible to repair.

*I realized that the saying “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were," is 100% true!!!

*I became an Aunt for the 3rd time to another gorgeous nephew!!!

*I celebrated nephew #2's 1st birthday along with every family member's birthdays.

*I decided to look into bariatric (weight loss) surgery and started the 6 months of preparation for insurance approval.

*I started this blog.

*I attended weddings, baby-namings, parties, and unfortunately funerals.

*I suffered the greatest loss to date and probably in my lifetime -- my Mom, my best friend.

*I got engaged!

*I laughed and cried and cried some more!!!

*I set a date for surgery that will ultimately change my life.

This past year has seen so many ups & downs and while I know deep down it's all happened for a reason I still can't comprehend so much of it. I am the type of person that not only wants to know the answers, "the reasons why" but I crave them, I worry and go over and over it all in my mind every second of every day (yes this causes insomnia and anxiety!!!)

I don't know why it was my Mom's time to go, I don't know why Dad is alone, I don't know why "friends" aren't always friends, I just don't know and perhaps in 2012 I finally learn that it's OK not to know but for now, it's an awful feeling.

Why do people comfort us during times of need and then seemingly disappear as if only in that time of tragedy we need them??? Why does God throw these curves at us so that we question him and our faith? Why are some people capable of forgiving and forgetting and others completely & forever opposed to it?

I could probably write a book on all the "whys" that go through my mind daily and I am positive that not one of them can be answered. All I know is what I have in front of me and that's an amazing support system of family and friends. I will have surgery and life will change in good ways but it'll be a struggle. I will know who is beside me as they've always been and some others will show their true colors and be gone forever, this is apparently life and it's taken me 36 years to learn it.

All I know 100% is that I will do whatever (legally) I can do in my power to love & protect my family (immediate & extended) & friends in anyway possible because that's who I am, that's the woman MY MOM raised me to be and the love she instilled in me!!!