How do I take the next step?!?!

What do you do when you're world crumbles all around you? How do you continue putting one foot in front of the other, taking the steps towards such a life changing experience when it feels as though life has been taken from you?

Monday, October 31, 2011 my world exploded, my Mother and best friend died with absolutely no reason or warning. When my Dad told me she was "gone" I started screaming at the top of my lungs, pounding my hands on Paul's chest refusing to believe the words. We got in the car and rushed to Mom & Dad's house still in shock and feeling numb, not wanting to take a single step toward the inevitable. As the hours turned into days, and now days to a week, I feel as though I have not taken a single step forward and yet I know it not to be true. My family took so many steps this week, preparing and making decisions for a funeral, writing a eulogy, speaking with the Rabbi, literally walking into the service and then the burial, all steps I am still in 100% denial about, these are NOT the steps I want to be writing about, they are steps I shouldn't be taking!!!

Right after knowing my Mom was no longer with us I was adamant (in my mind) that there was no way I would be having surgery, Mom was supposed to take care of me, she was supposed to be holding my hand as they wheeled me into surgery and she was supposed to be my biggest cheerleader throughout the months after as the pounds shed off -- I couldn't possibly take this step without her, BUT then I remembered one of the last things Mom said to me, "thank you for saving my daughter's life!" Mom was so excited that I was having the surgery, she was so proud of my decisions and she knew that I was in the right place mentally and emotionally to change my life for the better. I have to continue with these steps more than ever, for myself, but also for my Mom! I will have plenty of other cheerleaders and I am sure others will step up to help during my recovery time.

I'm still completely numb, shocked and so so angry...it's not fair that my Mom was taken from us, not at such a young age, not with 3 young grandchildren that needed to know her, not with so many of us needing her. I don't even know how to take the steps off the couch and back into life, work, etc. but I do know that I will continue the steps towards surgery because it's what she wanted for me more than ever, health, good health!!

I love you Mom and I pray that as you take the steps to Heaven you will envelope us all in your love as always, give us strength to learn to go on and accept that we don't have answers, and most of all, hold our hands as we continue all the steps of our lives.